Life as we know it.....

Does anyone else ever feel like there is more to life out there, and it's just beyond our fingertips? Do you have a deep restlessness that makes you want to scream, shout or cry because you are unhappy with the unsatisfactory roads you have taken in your life? Do you ever want to just pack up your bags and get out of Dodge, but don't know where to go or how to get there?

For the past several years, I keep trying to find happiness in life, but I can never attain it.

I am unhappy with my job, mostly because I don't want to work in healthcare forever. I have a phobia of finding dead people, so when you work in healthcare, eventually you will be the first person to go into a patients room and they have stopped breathing. I think this phobia is related to my dad's death. It's almost as if I knew for a long time that he would die one day, and I'd be the only one there. For several months before he died, whenever he was noncompliant with his health, I'd tell him I didn't care anymore, just as long as I didn't have to find his dead body. The last time I said it to him, just a few weeks before he died, he had an odd look on his face and didn't laugh. Finding him dead in his sleep was very traumatic for me and continues to hold me back. Maybe I need to seek professional help.

I am unhappy with my choices regarding college. I have continually pushed it off after I quit not long after starting my 1st year of college. I always had some sort of excuse as to why I wasn't taking classes, not that I really want to go back, I don't know if I can afford to. I am considering moving to where my sister is just so I have someone to share rent and utilities with and can help me if needed.

I am unhappy with my financial status. I think I deserve more than what I make at my job, but for Pierre and not having a college education, I actually probably get paid decently, even though they don't give us our cost of living raises because of all the people who won't pay their bills at the hospital. When I'm down or depressed about something, that's when I have the worst financial problems, because I don't pay enough attention and forget to pay bills, etc.

I know that I am the only one who can change my life and find true happiness. Everytime you are supposed to make a wish, such as those silly emails you have to forward on, I always wish for happiness, and sometimes peace within myself. I know people in worse situations than me have come out victoriously in life and all I need is a little faith, but that's hard when all life throws you are lemons.