hmmmmmm

It's me again!!!! I'm still at a crossroads in life. I think I know what I want to go to school for, but I have to move. The schools I might me interested in attending that offers what I want include Northern, USD, University of Wyoming, and University of NE, Kearney. Now my only problem is, where do I want to go, and can I find a job in that town.

My next big delimma is that finals are coming up soon. What happens if I fail, what if I bomb the tests? I feel as if I'm absorbing the information, but I don't do so well on tests!

What's a girl to do?

November 3rd

November 3rd....just another day on the calendar, but not for me. Today marks the 5th anniversary(if you can call it that) of my mother's death. I normally take this day off from work, feel bad about my life, myself, and where my life has gone in the last five years. I usually start feeling melancholy on Halloween. I always try to cheer myself up at Halloween by wearing a costume to work and having lots of treats. By November 3rd, I usually just feel like crap, and usually the rest of fall until Christmas time.

I really think I'm making progress. Today, I did not cry. I did not want to just curl up and shut out the world. I did not think of all the bad stuff. I did not pity myself. Today was like any other day off. I worked on my homework, picked on my niece and nephews, and was just me today. My day seemed to fly by and seemed busy, so it wasn't until I was driving home from Onida that I did some deep thinking. I realized that even though it has been a rough five years for me, life is starting to look up. I don't feel sad when I think of my mom, I think of what a wonderful person she was, not about her untimely and tragic death. The only morose I feel is that I never told her how important she was to me. I may not have known it either had she not died. I now think of how I should live my life and what I should do to experience it fully so that when we meet again some day, we will have so much to discuss. I don't feel as if I have lost my mother spiritually-I feel her presence in me every day. I know she is in a better place. I know she's in Heaven because I know how she felt, how she loved, how she treated others. My mother is truly an angel-first on earth, now in Heaven.

I'm not saying I'm forgetting my mom-I'm at peace with how life has changed. Even though I may never understand all the reasons why, I have faith in my parents and God, and that's enough for me.

Being an Adult Sucks......

I am sitting at home, frustrated in life. I don't really like my job. I'm trying to take college classes as well as work. I'm bored in life. I want to move and experience new things.

Here's my dilemma. I don't know where I want to move. It can't be too far from where I am now. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, so I don't know what to major in. Whatever I decide to major in, I need to be living in a town or very close to a college that offers that degree. I want to find a different job that pays better and is more consistent with the hours. I want a second job that is consistent with hours. Unfortunately, none of what I want is offered in Pierre.

Now I am frustrated, want to pull my hair out, feel like crying, all because I'm at a crossroads. I think I've been at these crossroads for a while, but now I just want to move on. I wish I knew the answers as to what I should do, where I should go, who I should become. All I know is that what I'm doing now, where I am now, and who I am now are not working for me.

Busy, Busy

So, I decided I was procrastinating enough, and I am a full time online student through USD. I'm now thinking I bit off more than I can chew. If all I had to do was work and do my homework, I would be fine.

As anyone who knows me already knows, the Heart Walk is coming up. I feel as if I'm letting the cause down, because I have no time to dedicate to it. Also, Snow Queen is coming up in November. Janel has already hassled be because I don't want to do too much prep work it since I already have a full plate.

Now I find out there is going to be a family reunion in October. Just great. As if I already don't have too much stuff going on!

Anyone wanting to take over my responsibilities with the Heart Walk, call me!

The Real Me

I don't know why, but last evening, into the wee hours of the morning, I had a self realization. What I'm missing most in my life is MUSIC! I love music. Sure I still listen to anything and everything, but I forgot how much enjoyment and enrichment I got in my life from playing music.

I used to play the keyboard or piano for relaxation or to help me think. I don't know when I stopped playing. Now it's almost a craving I have to play music. I also used to make it almost a hobby to learn new music and instruments. I bought a guitar several years ago that I still haven't sat down to learn, and I want to learn to play the drums.

I don't know why I stopped playing music, other than I was in a little "depression." I've really stopped and looked at what I've done and where I've been in my life, and I'm a little disappointed in myself. I let what I loved in life go by the wayside. I have let other people tell me what I should do in life. I don't take time for myself and what I want. Quite frankly, I'm getting sick of pleasing everyone else and always bending over backwards for everyone else.

I've decided it's time for me. I will do what I want, when I want, and to hell with everyone else. Easier said than done, but hey, a girl can hope. I'm just ready to move on to the next big thing.

Sully County's 125th

This past weekend, I did my duty and participated as much as I could in the Sully county Quasicentennial. It was a long, busy, but fun weekend!

Friday morning, I helped with the kids play day sponsored by the Sully co. Active Group. I do not know how teachers put up with that amount of hyper, snot nosed kids every day! Also, Friday I participated in the pedal tractor pull. Mallory got 1st for her division, and Austin got 2nd. They both now get to participate in the state event.

Friday night, during the rodeo, Austin participated in the "calf scramble." All the kids 10 and under were able to participate. They had to chase down 3 calves and try to get 1 of the 6 pieces of duct tape off them. Each piece of tape was numbered. Austin got number 4, which was the winning one! For his efforts, he won a new bike!

I went out Friday night, but I went out late. I was so bored because I didn't know anyone out all that well. Saturday night, I went out after the fireworks and met a coworker and her husband. We ended up running into a few other coworkers and we had a blast!

Saturday was busy with the parade, talent show, stick horse race, frying pan toss, horse rides and the poker run. I still haven't caught up on my sleep from the weekend!

Well, until next time.....

Weddings, Family and Alcohol

I just got back this afternoon from my cousin, Casey's wedding. It took place by Gary's cabin out in Lead. It turned out to be a great day, even if the sun was mostly in my eyes.

I'm not much of a sappy person in public, but I glance up to where Casey stood when Andrea came down the hill. Casey was trying so hard to contain himself, but he was crying. All I could do after that was to cry.

I love getting together with family, and especially at weddings! Everyone's drinking (but not drunk) and relaxed, and everyone DANCES! Even though there were only a few danceable songs, we had a blast! Too bad there won't be any weddings again soon!

Family Reunion

I got back Saturday from the Moulton family reunion in the Black Hills. I got reaquainted with many of my relatives I haven't seen in over 10 years and I met new ones. It was a lot of fun seeing all of them again. We had relatives fly in from Florida, Michigan, Virginia, New Mexico, Colorado, North Dakota, Wyoming, Montana and possibly more states were represented.

I did however, not get a chance to catch up with my aunt and uncle, Ethel and Dutch's families. I talked to a few, but just never got a chance to catch up to them. I wish I would have gotten there on Wednesday. Maybe then I would have had more time to spend getting to know them also.

One of my mom's cousins had some old slides from her mother that she got put on a disc. We all got a copy. They were pictures of the Moulton family when my great aunts and uncles and grandparents were young. My mom was in a lot of them. They were from when she was probably about 13.

I finally looked at those pictures today, and I cried(yes, Janel. I know I made fun of you for doing the same thing!). My mom was a very expressive person. You could always tell a lot about her feelings on something by the way she looked or smiled. In these pictures, you could tell my mom was a handful and very much full of life. As I was looking at them, all I could think of was how she would never had dreamed how her life would end. In the pictures from when she was just a kid of maybe 5 with her cute curly hair and mischivous smile, you would never think someone could die the way she did. She never knew the heartache she would later face with the death of her own parents and relatives or the hardships of marrying a hard-headed man or struggling to raise a family on one income while trying to run the farm. All of this was running through my head as I was watching her and some of my closest relatives in pictures, flashing across my computer screen.

Then I stopped and realized how much my mother had. She experienced the birth of her 5 children and raised them to be law abiding, resourceful, respectful individuals, and parents. She was able to see 3 of her grandchildren come to life and she helped them grow spiritually as well as mentally. She was a well respected person. She would help out anyone in need. She gave love freely not just to her family, but to those she took care of and her friends and coworkers. Even though she died an untimely, tragic death, my mother left a legacy that is hard for anyone else to live up to. My mother set the bar high for us. Each of five kids are a part of her and she lives in us. She lives in us when we show love and compassion to those around us. She lives in us when we chose to do the right things, but also when we make mistakes and learn from them. I am my mother. She taught me everything she knew about life, it's struggles, how to love and show compassion, and taught me to be myself. I don't think she'll ever know how grateful I am to have had her as my mother and I hope some day I can be the person she was inside.

My So-Called Friends

Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to make plans with a friend, days if not weeks in advance, and then the day of your planned event, even though you talked to them several times about your plans that same day, they never show up!

I am a very understanding person. I understand that sometimes, things come up. Sometimes, you just change your mind and don't want to follow the plans. Sometimes, you lose track of time. But with all of these circumstances, YOU SHOULD CALL!!!! Right? I don't care if someone decides they want to change their mind, but don't leave me hanging! I don't have many days or evenings off, so when I do, it's a big thing for me to make plans to do something different! I love going out and doing different things and trying different things. I love seeing old friends. I was so pumped tonight to be doing something different, and where I was going, I really wanted to show my friend. Instead, I spent the evening pissed off! I think I would be in a better mood if she had called to cancel, instead of leaving me hanging!

It also would be different if this were the first time. It's not. This "friend" of mine stood me up before for the bullnanza a couple of years ago. She stood me up for a murder mystery party on the Capital city Queen, and the tickets were $20 each! I know there have been many other instances, but each time, I forgive her and ignore it. She never apologizes or even acknowledges we had plans. Every time she stands me up, had I known she didn't want to go, I would have went on my own, or found someone else to accompany me, but it's a little late when you are expecting them right before the event starts!

It is very hard for me to make friends. I don't consider very many people my close friends. So, when someone does this to me, it makes me feel like crap. I'm irritable, crabby and very emotional. I don't know why, other than she let me down, again. It makes me feel low, like I have no friends, or that I'm not a very interesting person. I give myself freely to other people whenever they need something from me, but no one does the same for me. It just wears me out. I put myself out there for everyone all the time, but I can't even get a friend to call me to say she doesn't want to go somewhere with me.

I guess I'm mostly disappointed. Disappointed that she would do this to me yet again. Disappointed that she doesn't have the courtesy to call and apologize. Disappointed that she doesn't stop to think of my feelings. Disappointed in myself to let myself get worked up. Disappointed that I let people walk over me. Disappointed because I thought my friend was a very good friend.

I think that's enough raving from me tonight. You get the drift what kind of mood I'm in!

Until next time, sports fans.

I don't want to work!

I wish I were a self-made millionaire. That way, I wouldn't have to work unless I wanted!

I just cringe some days thinking about getting up the next morning to go work at the hospital. I'm tired of sick people! They are whiney babies!

I also hate work because you never know who you are working with and if they are in a good mood or have a good attitude. You never know how many patients you'll have or if you'll be scrambling for rooms. You never know if your friend or family member will be the patient they call a code blue on. I'm just tired of the rat race. It's not fun anymore. There is absolutely no glamour in the job. There is so much negativity.

Well, guess I better get to bed so I can go to work with a smile tomorrow!

May 29th

Today I am a new aunt. My brother Jay(my younger, older brother) and his wife had a daughter. This is Jay's first and Julie's second, and her son is 17, so it's almost like starting over from the beginning for her.

People from work probably think I'm thinking of children. Bad! But I really do like kids, just not ones that I have to care for 24/7 and I definately would not like giving birth!

I went to see my new niece today. She was still in the nursery, so there are some perks to working at the hospital, like seeing all the babies. Never let a man describe a child to you. When Jay found me on 2nd floor, he told me she had brown hair that was about an inch long, blah, blah, blah. I go upstairs to the nursery and take off her pink hat, and her hair isn't all that long, and it's not brown! It's a dark blondish/reddish color all babies have! I was expecting to find her with a full head of hair! Men are very vague and nonobservant.

Of all my siblings, Jay is the one I feel least connected to. His personality is totally different than mine and he has a totally different outlook on life. If no one knew our parents or the rest of our siblings, they would swear we were brought up in two totally different homes. He is 7 years older than me, but my brother who is 10 years older than me is one of the few people I call on a regular basis.

All and all, I'd have to say I'm the only normal one in our family! I am surrounded by goobers and hicks! They are all crazy! (for those of you who are not my relatives, I am just writing this because usually it's only relatives that read this. The truth is, is that we are ALL crazy! Even the in-law's!)

When I was growing up, especially in my dad's family, I felt like I was just "one of Adolph's kids." Most of my aunts and uncles probably didn't know my name for sure, and never really talked to me until I was older or until after my mom died. I always swore that I would never have that kind of relationship with my nieces and nephews. I always swore that they would know me, and I would know them. They would know that they could count on me no matter what, and that I'd always be in their corner. I have a very good relationship(mostly) with Janel's kids, and Blaire too, now that Steven is divorced from her mom. I worry that I won't have that relationship with Paige because Jay and I are so different, and the only thing we have in common is family. I don't think Jay really knows what kind of person I am or have become. I feel that he still thinks of me as the bratty girl who everyone thought got her way all the time. (So not true!) I just hope that won't get in the way of me forming a relationship with Paige. I guess we will have to wait to see! I know that is something my parents would really like, and I know what my mom would be doing right now.........knitting a blanket!

Until next time kiddies!

Memorial Day

Last Monday was Memorial Day, and I just realized that I never even thought about putting flowers on my parents graves like I always do! I was working the entire weekend, so I don't know if it's that, or if I'm truly moving on.

I've noticed lately that most of my thoughts of my parents are memories, but don't make me upset or feel like crying. I don't even think of them on a regular basis anymore. When I do talk about them, it's only about memories from childhood or good memories. I still avoid talking about them to people who don't know me very well. That's mostly because they all think I'm really sad, depressed, or missing them.

I wish people would stop thinking that just because I'm talking about my parents that they need to feel sympathetic to me. They were a part of my life for over 23 years, so of course I'm going to talk about them! When people don't talk about their family or friends who have died, that's when I think people should worry. They probably aren't accepting the fact of death. Yes, I still miss my parents, but life moves on, and I can't dwell in the past. I miss what my life was like before. I miss being carefree and always being able to call my mom with questions or her opinions, but I still carry her knowledge on the many subjects. I am my mother. If anyone knew my mom and her true personality, you would know I'm almost her exact replica! That fact doesn't make me sad or emotional, it just makes me laugh! Growing up, you never want to be like your mother, but I am! As my dad used to tell me, "Mirror, mirror, on the wall. I am my mother after all!" I usually don't talk about my dad. To me, he was just a dad. My mom though was also my friend and I knew she would stand behind me unconditionally without asking questions.

I usually remember my parents throughout the year on other days than Memorial Day, but this day was important to my mom, and she always put flowers on the graves of all her relatives. I do feel bad that I didn't get flowers on the graves in Onida like she would have, but I'm also happy that I know I'm moving on!

Summer is here!

Memorial Day. The official start of summer. Some people may be cheering or hoping it will be a break from the cold weather. Many are starting plans for the summer, whether it be a vacation, spending time at the river, or just getting out in the nice weather. This summer for me means a family reunion and my cousin's wedding.

Now, most people would think this is great and that it will be fun. It will not be that great for me! Why you may ask? Just think....a single girl amongst married people or engaged couples....yeah. I really don't have to spell it out. Everyone is going to ask me questions such as, "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" or "So, when are you getting married?"

I'm not sure what America's obsession is with everyone getting married or always having to be in a relationship. I know some people will always have to be in a relationship, but I simply am not one of those people! I have nothing against relationships, but I'm not going to make it a priority in my life. I have enough other things to do and worry about.

Furthermore, I'm not sold on this whole marriage bit. My parents to the public had a nice marriage and family. To their children, especially the daughters, we didn't see this. My dad was a control freak who could be very demeaning. His moods also changed swiftly. When I was a kid, I loved summer because it meant my dad would be gone all day long and not get home until I was going to bed. As he aged and realized he wasn't eternal, he started relaxing and enjoying life. Until the day my mom died, she did all of his laundry, cooking and cleaning. Even though she worked full time nights, she did all of this at home for my dad. He never truly appreciated her until she died. I always swore I would never let anyone treat me that way. Maybe that's why I have so many trust issues and I don't let people get too close to me.

As far as other relationships goes, none of these people at the family reunion or wedding have seen the single men in Pierre. Pierre is Freak Central!

I don't know why people gasp when someone over 25 is still single! I get to sleep in the middle of my own bed. I get to lounge in my pj's all day. I don't have to shave my legs on a regular basis. I can eat what I want and when I want. I can leave without having to tell someone where I'm going or for how long. I don't have to deal with other people's personal crap. I don't have to pick up after some one else. I don't have to deal with someone else's drama. I just get to be me without worrying about what someone else thinks of me. I only have to answer to me!

So, I'll be ducking certain relatives that always ask me why I'm still single and try to steer conversations away from this subject. Thank you, God, for giving me an older, single sister! I can tell them all to go bug her! Hee, hee!!!

Until next time folks....

Should I Stay or Should I Go.....

As always, I'm once again at crossroads in my life. I sort of like my job, but I wouldn't feel too bad leaving. I sort of like living in Pierre, but I crave the bigger city with more opportunities to do stuff. I like having people around that I know and friends to call up and go to the movies or whatever, but I want to do something more in life.

I've been trying to get back to school for a long time now. I'm trying online classes this fall, so please cross your fingers for me! My life has become so hum-drum, that I am drowning in the boringness of it all! I want to move to an area that I can go to school and forge on with my life and I want to go somewhere that has more job opportunites available. I want everyone to go with me though. I know I can't have it all, but a girl can dream!

So here I sit, wondering what path in life to take. Do I stay where I'm comfortable with friends, family and a stable job? Do I go out on a limb and take a chance at life somewhere else where I will find a new job, and new friends? Can I cut the umbilical cord I have to Pierre/Onida? There are just way too many decisions to make, that it makes my head hurt! I want someone to tell me what to do, and with the knowledge that I would be successful at that venture!

So I must continue to look into myself and decide for myself what I should do. Only I can make the choice in the end. I just hope it's the right one!

Tables

Today, I went to a "workshop" for work. It really wasn't a "workshop" but more of a way to get to know my coworkers better.

At the end of the day, the person conducting the workshop, talked about growing up at the kitchen table. This, too, made me think of my upbringing and our dining room table(our kitchen was too small).

No matter what was going on, our family always had dinner together. In the summertime when they were out in the hay field, we had dinner late, but very rarely did we dine separately for dinner. Being the youngest of 5 children, we had a larger table. Of course, I always had to sit at the end between my parents. As our family changed and siblings got married, I had to go back to the kids table!

The dining room table was host for a lot of hot topics in our family. That's where we caught up on each others lives, got in trouble, learned about our ancestors, did our homework, set up the sewing machine and various other activities. Not only was our table a place for hot topics, it was the hot place to be in our house. Some people's families may have spent a lot of time in the family or living room, but our living room was just a place to watch the news or occassional TV show or movie. Everyone always met back at the table.

The dining room table is where I became the person I am today. I learned about family, history, working together, accepting others unconditionally, and how to share. I learned what made my family tick. This is where we celebrated our holidays and special occassions. This is where we learned to be unique and have a sense of humor in life. But most important, this is where we learned respect.

There is another table that comes to mind when I talk about the tables I grew up with. That is an old picnic table that we butchered chickens on. You may me thinking "gross" or "what lessons in life did you learn there?" When I was a child, we always raised chickens. Every so often, my parents would butcher them. When it was time to butcher, they invited several other families to help out. In turn, these families got to take home some chickens. I didn't really help butcher much, but I loved playing with the other kids who came out. This table taught me the value of friendship and being neighborly.

You may be thinking, how can a table teach these things? They can't. But when you are sitting around a table with friends, family, and those you care about, you learn a lot about them and yourself.

Nothing in particular.....

I just spent the most laid back weekend I've had in a long time. I went to a foot spa party Saturday, took a nap and did nothing. Sunday, I put a mud mask on my face, then went to Blaire's birthday party at the bowling alley. I feel sorry for teachers! There were 9 girls between the ages of 8 and 10.......that is why I'll never have children! Even at such a young age, there was so much drama!

Spring: the new Winter!

Okay, it's supposedly "Spring." So what's up with the cold temps and snow and ice? Mother Nature is playing cruel tricks again! My hands are freezing, my jacket is almost too thin, and I just want it to be warm!

I was at the hospital tonight. When I left, some little man rode his rusty old bike up the the steps of the old part of the hospital, dug through the garbage, and sat down to "rest." I don't know if he's planning on sleeping there or what, but I find that very sad in today's society! But that's for another blog.

Well, I'm hoping it heats up soon. I'm tired of freezing and losing my mittens!

Until next time, kiddies.........

Days off and being a Girl!!!!

I love days off! And I love being a girl!

Other than my part time job at 4 tonight, it is my day off! Most people on their day off have a whole long list of stuff to do. Actually, I do too, but I'm a bad procrastinator. So today, I slept in(well at least until the phone rang), I used my new scalp massage stuff, I thinned my hair, took a long hot shower, moisturized the hell out of my body, put on my new makeup and I'm going to do my hair today too. There is no special reason, I just feel like being girly today. Last night I soaked my feet and scrubbed them with foot scrub, shaved my legs, all while sitting in front of the TV watching a new movie! I went to bed after pampering my feet and legs and also after rubbing my aching neck. It was like having a spa right at home!

Happy Spring!

I don't know why, but today I'm really happy. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, I didn't win the lottery, I didn't witness anyone falling, I worked hard, spent a lot of money, but yet I'm still happy today.

Maybe it's because Spring is here. It's getting nice outside. Gangs are roaming the streets and railroad tracks. Or maybe because I just soaked my feet and shaved my legs. Now my legs feel like a baby butt! Heehee!!! I also bought more cool makeup, and got my Jafra stuff today! Yeah!!!

Anywho, I hope you all are enjoying spring also!!!

Peace out!

Aliens!!!!

I was just reading an article about people who believe in aliens. To me, that's a very far fetched idea, but I guess we never really know.

Supposing aliens really do exist, at Halloween, do they dress up like us as humans like how kids dress up as aliens? Do they find it funny that people pretend to be aliens when they dress up like them?

Immigrants are often called aliens. Do the aliens from another universe get upset because they "stole" their names? Furthermore, do aliens from other countries get upset because they are being grouped with other worldly creatures?

If aliens can travel here supposedly, why can't we find them in other universes? How did they find us? Our universe is very large, but they keep stalking Earth? And only in the United States or Canada or our navy ships? Do they stalk any other continents or other countries armed forces? What is the aliens fixation with America?

Spring has sprung, Sprung has Spring!

Yay!!!! Spring is in the air, it's warming up outside so I can finally turn down the heater! I can go on long walks again, and pray the gangster's of Pierre are idle.

This is my second day in a row off, but after my long week last week, I'm still tired and just want to be lazy. I stayed in bed all morning reading a book. I was up until 1 am reading a different book. I love to read books. Especially the really good books.

I have a million and one things to do today, but I think I might take a nap and read another book. When I feel some energy, I'll clean my apartment while listening to a talking book.

Maybe I'll go for a walk tonight. I think it's going to be a nice day.

To my audience of one.....

Just to set a few things straight.........when I blog on here, I'm just venting. I may not always have these weird, strange feelings, but at the time I write it, I do. I started this blogging site because I love to write. Writers are supposed to write what they know. This is all I know. Plus, when I vent on here or in my journal, it helps me relieve my stress, and it never tries to give me advice. So, I'm not any more depressed than the average person, I'm not completely crazy yet, I don't here strange voices, I just want to express myself.

Ugh!

I just got home from work. According to the time clock, I worked 101 hours in the last 2 weeks. My head hurts, my neck hurts, I need a lot of sleep, and I still have to work tomorrow.

I worked extra because of sick calls and family emergencies. If I were a nurse, I'd get a bonus for the 2 days I got called in. Since I'm a lowly ward clerk, I just got 2 movie tickets that I will probably not have time to use.

Now I think I'm getting sick just because I've worked so much. Knock on wood, but I am the only one who has yet to get sick this year in the ward clerk group.

Life as we know it.....

Does anyone else ever feel like there is more to life out there, and it's just beyond our fingertips? Do you have a deep restlessness that makes you want to scream, shout or cry because you are unhappy with the unsatisfactory roads you have taken in your life? Do you ever want to just pack up your bags and get out of Dodge, but don't know where to go or how to get there?

For the past several years, I keep trying to find happiness in life, but I can never attain it.

I am unhappy with my job, mostly because I don't want to work in healthcare forever. I have a phobia of finding dead people, so when you work in healthcare, eventually you will be the first person to go into a patients room and they have stopped breathing. I think this phobia is related to my dad's death. It's almost as if I knew for a long time that he would die one day, and I'd be the only one there. For several months before he died, whenever he was noncompliant with his health, I'd tell him I didn't care anymore, just as long as I didn't have to find his dead body. The last time I said it to him, just a few weeks before he died, he had an odd look on his face and didn't laugh. Finding him dead in his sleep was very traumatic for me and continues to hold me back. Maybe I need to seek professional help.

I am unhappy with my choices regarding college. I have continually pushed it off after I quit not long after starting my 1st year of college. I always had some sort of excuse as to why I wasn't taking classes, not that I really want to go back, I don't know if I can afford to. I am considering moving to where my sister is just so I have someone to share rent and utilities with and can help me if needed.

I am unhappy with my financial status. I think I deserve more than what I make at my job, but for Pierre and not having a college education, I actually probably get paid decently, even though they don't give us our cost of living raises because of all the people who won't pay their bills at the hospital. When I'm down or depressed about something, that's when I have the worst financial problems, because I don't pay enough attention and forget to pay bills, etc.

I know that I am the only one who can change my life and find true happiness. Everytime you are supposed to make a wish, such as those silly emails you have to forward on, I always wish for happiness, and sometimes peace within myself. I know people in worse situations than me have come out victoriously in life and all I need is a little faith, but that's hard when all life throws you are lemons.

What has the world come to?

I am a news junky. I like knowing what's going on in the world around me. But lately, I get depressed every time I read the news. All you hear about is people murdering pregnant women, committing heinous crimes against children, kids killing other kids, and how politicians are involved in sex rings or child pornography.

What ever happened to the days when everyone in the grocery store smiled and said, "hello." Even if you didn't know them! Now you're lucky if someone says "excuse me" when they bump into you. You drive cautiously because you never know if the other drivers are sane or if they are going to run you off the road. Fast food workers worry about being shot when someone pulls up to the window to get their food. Policemen in little towns that are barely a dot on the map wear bullet proof vests all the time, because you never know what you will come upon. Parents fear that their children will be abducted walking home from school, even just 2 blocks!

I truly believe that if society continues all this negativity and ill-will, there will be no hope for us! What ever happened to people fearing God and living a life worthy of Heaven? Satan continues to win when people are selfish and don't consider the precious gifts of life and free will.

While some people may think I'm weird or nuts, I will continue to smile to everyone and say hello to people passing by me. I will continue to give selflessly to society and God, and hope that by witnessing my actions, the ice will crack just a little around the hearts of people around me.

Sucker!!!!!

I think I have a big "sucker" sign posted on my forehead. Everyone at work knows that if they need help, to call me, I can't say "no." Even when I'm already at work, they know I won't leave them in a lurch and will stay late to help out.

I am so tired of being taken advantage of, but I also can't help saying "yes" when I should be saying "no." When I do too much, then I lag in my house work and I feel tired and depressed, and I let things go by the wayside. It's almost as if I'm addicted to telling people "yes."

Furthermore, I'm even more upset at my employer for not offering bonuses to everyone who comes in extra. The nurses I work with all get a bonus for coming in extra, working an extra weekend, etc., but us peons get nothing but a free movie ticket!!!! And the free movie ticket is only if you have a concientious coordinator who calls you!!!!

Maybe I'm just tired of the system and need to pursue a new profession, or maybe I really am just crazy. All I know is that something's gotta give..........

Phew!!!

I made it! I didn't pass out, and no one fell asleep during my presentation, so hopefully everyone benefitted from it! Not only did I do somewhat okay, I spent $60!!!!! Oh well, just some stuff to pamper myself. So life goes on......

Eeekkk!!!

In an hour and a half, I am going to give a presentation on women and heart disease to a group of 5-30 women. I am seriously nervous. I haven't done public speaking since I was in high school! I didn't have a lot of time to prepare, and I don't know how much information they want or need, or what kind, so I'm just winging it tonight. I know the information, I just don't know what information for sure they all want! I don't do well in front of large groups of people, so hopefully, there will only be a handful tonight. But since my luck isn't so great, I'm betting there will be a full house!!!!

Everyone please think of me and pray for me that tonight goes well!

Birthdays.....

Whatever happened to the days when we looked forward to our birthdays. We always had birthday parties and invited friends over to share cake and play games. Why do we stop having these celebrations?

Recently, I turned 27. I know it's by no means elderly, but 30 is closing in fast, and I am no where near where I wanted to be by the time I was 30.

My biggest regret is quitting college. Now I'm trying to figure out how I can be a full time online student and work full time and keep my part time job and still have extra money every month. So for anyone contemplating quitting college - DON'T DO IT! Either stick it out or transfer schools!

I'm sure a lot of people think that I want to be married by the time I'm 30. Wrong! I have long figured out that marriage and children are not for me. Everytime I hear a child crying or misbehaving, I'm very glad I don't have children. I'm not saying I will never marry or have children, it's just not a priority in my life.

I feel as if my life has flown by. I also feel like I have not lived my life to it's full potential. I know I let other people's feelings and opinions shape my life. I'm also too afraid of failure to put myself out there in the world. When I die, I want to have done everything I have ever wanted to do in life and have no regrets.

Another huge factor in my life is my parents. I never thought that by the time I was 24 I would have buried both my parents and been completely on my own by then. I have experienced so many emotions in the last 5 years that I feel like I'm mentally exhausted. The two emotions I have yet to experience in the last several years has been peace and true happiness.

Since 30 is knocking on my door, I have decided to set a few goals for myself in the next few years. I plan to return to college. Even if it takes everything I have, I want to do it for me. I want to be at peace with my parents death. I want to go for a long time without feeling negative effects from their deaths. I want to travel to a foreign country. It may only be Canada, but I want to see someone else's culture. Those are the 3 big ones I'm working on. I have a few other things on my list like get a tattoo and jump out of an airplane, but I'm going to keep on working on that list. So please wish me luck in the next 3 years!!!!!!