May 29th

Today I am a new aunt. My brother Jay(my younger, older brother) and his wife had a daughter. This is Jay's first and Julie's second, and her son is 17, so it's almost like starting over from the beginning for her.

People from work probably think I'm thinking of children. Bad! But I really do like kids, just not ones that I have to care for 24/7 and I definately would not like giving birth!

I went to see my new niece today. She was still in the nursery, so there are some perks to working at the hospital, like seeing all the babies. Never let a man describe a child to you. When Jay found me on 2nd floor, he told me she had brown hair that was about an inch long, blah, blah, blah. I go upstairs to the nursery and take off her pink hat, and her hair isn't all that long, and it's not brown! It's a dark blondish/reddish color all babies have! I was expecting to find her with a full head of hair! Men are very vague and nonobservant.

Of all my siblings, Jay is the one I feel least connected to. His personality is totally different than mine and he has a totally different outlook on life. If no one knew our parents or the rest of our siblings, they would swear we were brought up in two totally different homes. He is 7 years older than me, but my brother who is 10 years older than me is one of the few people I call on a regular basis.

All and all, I'd have to say I'm the only normal one in our family! I am surrounded by goobers and hicks! They are all crazy! (for those of you who are not my relatives, I am just writing this because usually it's only relatives that read this. The truth is, is that we are ALL crazy! Even the in-law's!)

When I was growing up, especially in my dad's family, I felt like I was just "one of Adolph's kids." Most of my aunts and uncles probably didn't know my name for sure, and never really talked to me until I was older or until after my mom died. I always swore that I would never have that kind of relationship with my nieces and nephews. I always swore that they would know me, and I would know them. They would know that they could count on me no matter what, and that I'd always be in their corner. I have a very good relationship(mostly) with Janel's kids, and Blaire too, now that Steven is divorced from her mom. I worry that I won't have that relationship with Paige because Jay and I are so different, and the only thing we have in common is family. I don't think Jay really knows what kind of person I am or have become. I feel that he still thinks of me as the bratty girl who everyone thought got her way all the time. (So not true!) I just hope that won't get in the way of me forming a relationship with Paige. I guess we will have to wait to see! I know that is something my parents would really like, and I know what my mom would be doing right now.........knitting a blanket!

Until next time kiddies!

Memorial Day

Last Monday was Memorial Day, and I just realized that I never even thought about putting flowers on my parents graves like I always do! I was working the entire weekend, so I don't know if it's that, or if I'm truly moving on.

I've noticed lately that most of my thoughts of my parents are memories, but don't make me upset or feel like crying. I don't even think of them on a regular basis anymore. When I do talk about them, it's only about memories from childhood or good memories. I still avoid talking about them to people who don't know me very well. That's mostly because they all think I'm really sad, depressed, or missing them.

I wish people would stop thinking that just because I'm talking about my parents that they need to feel sympathetic to me. They were a part of my life for over 23 years, so of course I'm going to talk about them! When people don't talk about their family or friends who have died, that's when I think people should worry. They probably aren't accepting the fact of death. Yes, I still miss my parents, but life moves on, and I can't dwell in the past. I miss what my life was like before. I miss being carefree and always being able to call my mom with questions or her opinions, but I still carry her knowledge on the many subjects. I am my mother. If anyone knew my mom and her true personality, you would know I'm almost her exact replica! That fact doesn't make me sad or emotional, it just makes me laugh! Growing up, you never want to be like your mother, but I am! As my dad used to tell me, "Mirror, mirror, on the wall. I am my mother after all!" I usually don't talk about my dad. To me, he was just a dad. My mom though was also my friend and I knew she would stand behind me unconditionally without asking questions.

I usually remember my parents throughout the year on other days than Memorial Day, but this day was important to my mom, and she always put flowers on the graves of all her relatives. I do feel bad that I didn't get flowers on the graves in Onida like she would have, but I'm also happy that I know I'm moving on!

Summer is here!

Memorial Day. The official start of summer. Some people may be cheering or hoping it will be a break from the cold weather. Many are starting plans for the summer, whether it be a vacation, spending time at the river, or just getting out in the nice weather. This summer for me means a family reunion and my cousin's wedding.

Now, most people would think this is great and that it will be fun. It will not be that great for me! Why you may ask? Just think....a single girl amongst married people or engaged couples....yeah. I really don't have to spell it out. Everyone is going to ask me questions such as, "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" or "So, when are you getting married?"

I'm not sure what America's obsession is with everyone getting married or always having to be in a relationship. I know some people will always have to be in a relationship, but I simply am not one of those people! I have nothing against relationships, but I'm not going to make it a priority in my life. I have enough other things to do and worry about.

Furthermore, I'm not sold on this whole marriage bit. My parents to the public had a nice marriage and family. To their children, especially the daughters, we didn't see this. My dad was a control freak who could be very demeaning. His moods also changed swiftly. When I was a kid, I loved summer because it meant my dad would be gone all day long and not get home until I was going to bed. As he aged and realized he wasn't eternal, he started relaxing and enjoying life. Until the day my mom died, she did all of his laundry, cooking and cleaning. Even though she worked full time nights, she did all of this at home for my dad. He never truly appreciated her until she died. I always swore I would never let anyone treat me that way. Maybe that's why I have so many trust issues and I don't let people get too close to me.

As far as other relationships goes, none of these people at the family reunion or wedding have seen the single men in Pierre. Pierre is Freak Central!

I don't know why people gasp when someone over 25 is still single! I get to sleep in the middle of my own bed. I get to lounge in my pj's all day. I don't have to shave my legs on a regular basis. I can eat what I want and when I want. I can leave without having to tell someone where I'm going or for how long. I don't have to deal with other people's personal crap. I don't have to pick up after some one else. I don't have to deal with someone else's drama. I just get to be me without worrying about what someone else thinks of me. I only have to answer to me!

So, I'll be ducking certain relatives that always ask me why I'm still single and try to steer conversations away from this subject. Thank you, God, for giving me an older, single sister! I can tell them all to go bug her! Hee, hee!!!

Until next time folks....

Should I Stay or Should I Go.....

As always, I'm once again at crossroads in my life. I sort of like my job, but I wouldn't feel too bad leaving. I sort of like living in Pierre, but I crave the bigger city with more opportunities to do stuff. I like having people around that I know and friends to call up and go to the movies or whatever, but I want to do something more in life.

I've been trying to get back to school for a long time now. I'm trying online classes this fall, so please cross your fingers for me! My life has become so hum-drum, that I am drowning in the boringness of it all! I want to move to an area that I can go to school and forge on with my life and I want to go somewhere that has more job opportunites available. I want everyone to go with me though. I know I can't have it all, but a girl can dream!

So here I sit, wondering what path in life to take. Do I stay where I'm comfortable with friends, family and a stable job? Do I go out on a limb and take a chance at life somewhere else where I will find a new job, and new friends? Can I cut the umbilical cord I have to Pierre/Onida? There are just way too many decisions to make, that it makes my head hurt! I want someone to tell me what to do, and with the knowledge that I would be successful at that venture!

So I must continue to look into myself and decide for myself what I should do. Only I can make the choice in the end. I just hope it's the right one!