And the World Still Spins Madly On....

I've been very melancholy lately. I'm not sure if it's the Earth tilting and changing pressures and seasons in the air; if it's because it's almost the anniversary of my mother's death; or, if it's because I'm worried about my future plans.

I'm worried about my future because I'm so old to be going to school, and I worry that life will pass by while I'm trying to educate and better myself. All I do is work and go to school. I don't have many friends nearby and I'm not volunteering like I used to-all ways that I stayed in touch with the "real world."

Today, one of my old coworker's nephews was killed in a hunting accident. He was 14 years old. All I could think of was my oldest nephew Austin who absolutely loves hunting. My friend, Tammy was close to him and is having a hard time, as is the rest of his family. It brings up memories and feelings from years past. I hope Tammy's family can move on and find peace.

It's almost 4 a.m. and I'm still awake! I've been sleeping a lot lately and I think it's because I've been so melancholy. The other night I had a melt down and did not sleep well at all. I think I'm feeling too sorry for myself. I just wish I could be the person I used to be. I was looking at pictures of myself as a young girl and I'm always smiling, enjoying life, being naive. I wish I was that happy again and enjoy life's little wonders. I sometimes wonder if I will ever learn to be happy again and not fake it. Just when I think I'm making headway in life, life throws me curveballs and I'm having meltdowns again. GRRRRRR!